Just sometimes I wish....

This week has just brought forth so many emotions. No school for the kids, the excitment of Santa, two parents that are sick, I'm sick, and oh yeah a job. It's bad enough that the boys are home all day long thus adding more frustration and chaos to life, that Christmas is in a few days. It seems that I find myself praying to God for strength and grace. Oh so much grace. I sometimes wish that people could walk a mile in my shoes to understand where the anger and frustration comes from. I sometimes wish that people wouldn't tell me that my kids are special and that they only act this way because of me. I wish that I didn't have emotions or care about things that make life grand. Sometimes, I wish, and what if plagues my mind daily. I try to keep things together and I try to ensure that my life is full, but how is that possible when I am facing a million and one battles every time a second tics.

Oh, just sometimes I wish......

On the other side, life is interesting enough. I am wrapping up some year end stuff, helping my dad, and only have 38 weeks to go on this treatment. Things are great. LOL

My mom once told me that your twenties are a time for goofing off; your thirties are the time of great exploration...... well being in my thirties, I am drowning in self exploration. I find that there is so much as a person that I want to become that I get so mad at myself for creating this life. I want so much to do things, go places, and enjoy things but my children won't allow for that. Again, where is my armor? I keep telling myself that all things are possible through Christ who gives me strenth, but there are times when I feel like he isn't there or listening. Strange how the older we get, the more into faith we lean and the more we begin to question and search for answers......

Sometimes I wish I would find what I am searching for.

Sometimes Lord....

What crazy days. There is doom and gloom all around. Children to excited to focus cuz the jolly fat man is coming to town, friends stressing because the world is in a recession and one more thing... My childhood friend told me that her sister has been missing for three days. What?!! How is the world so crazy yet so amazing during this time of need? I know that around the holiday's things tend to seem far worse than they are, but to the point of desperation to want to die. I know that mental health is so important and many people don't understand the pain and the loss that the families of those with issues face daily. My other Tammy is one who is empty because her best friend walked out with a box of pills three days ago. To her family, they are lost, empty, confused, and alone. Police can't do anything because she left on her own.
WHAT..... A det. told the family..."usually we just stumble upon them" Like a person is not worth more than a stumble.
This is a problem within our society. We need to help those who feel like they have no options left, those families that have loved ones with mental problems, those parents of children that feel like their world has come to an end because of a label. I am a firm believer in "I am my brother's keeper," whats wrong with that? I remember that not to long ago, I was the mother at the end of my rope with a child who manged to cast everyone away from us due to his behaviour problems, I had my mom who at times didn't understand either. I had no one to lean on for support.
Listen, pray, and please don't turn us away; we need all the support we can get. Even if it is a friend to vent or cry to.

Mental health is so important.

Can't you just.....

It seems that life still has it way off pulling the wool over your eyes. Simple requests that are unable to be met are let to float away. All in all today turned out to be an okay day. I just shouldn't be so picky. I'm not... I just like things to be a certain way. There is nothing wrong with that. So people say that I am a spoiled brat or that I want the grip and complain, yeah well do you constantly have to give me a reason? Sometimes life would be so much simpler if things were just as such. Peaceful and beautiful like this rose. No one makes comments about the way it grows or the thorns on its stem. The gardener just plucks away at the thorns with a whistle.

Now this flower does wither away and loose its shape, smell, and luster yet it returns once again to its splendor. Simple right?!

So, I guess I should stop the rambling and get focused. The point this conversation is why do old people get called set in their ways but the younger generations get told the are bitchin' and complaining? What exactly is the difference? Not happy happy it all add up to the same answer....miserable

A day and night of change in the works

Today has started very early and end late. The boys and I are watching Harry Potter 6. A long but uneventful film. Oh well. I have come to the realization that my life is need of a renewal. That old saying, "You can do bad by yourself" has been ringing in my ear.... Thanks to dear ol' dad. So after a long thought process, I have decided that within the next 4-5 weeks, I will separate from the ties that hold me down and begin anew. My children need to see strength not weakness. So with their help, we will return to just the four of us. We may be a bit scattered but we are all that we have and we need to stick together.

Another day without a dollar

Today started out extremely early. 4:30 to be exact. My mind is a wonderful tool so I have heard but what do you do when your mind is racing? I struggle with getting into the Christmas mood but life has put water on that flame. The cold temps arent making it any easier as I watch my boys head off to school. I wonder if I am making the right choices for them and giving them all the oppertunities that are available. I want so much for them and feel as if I am failing them. I tend to be a bit hard on myself yet feel that if I am not, then I will truely fail. Being a parent is hard. It is even harder to handle two disable children. I think back to my foundations and realize that all things are possible with Jesus. He is my comforter, my rock, my father to the fatherless, my husband. I lean on him and realize that this storm shall pass.

The best news ever

Many people will say that having a child diagnosed with Autistic disorder is the worst news they have ever received. Well I on the other hand welcomed it with open arms. After nine long years of fighting and an older child with Aspergers, my middle son has Autism. Now with stats being 1 in 86, I have been blessed with 2 children on opposite ends of this scary yet hopeful issue sweeping the world.